Wednesday, June 25, 2003

decided to make a blog. well yeah, just for the fun of it. guess im not gonna let too many ppl noe abt it n stuff. yeahh. =D cos od's always down n i lost my bloop password. -__-" hehs. how lame. lalaa~ went to school today. especially to pass up cme hwk. good gurl huhs? went wif eunice. bah!! then went to serene centre macs. i wanted to get my squirt pouch. but tada!! they dun haf anymore finding nemo stuff. so nvm, went to eat. it was drizzling when we went outta serene's.

well, parted wif eunice, then walked to that bus stop. the one i'd usually meet him in. many many memories rushed back. i wanted to cry, but a smile appeared on my face instead. those times probably were the best moments in my life ever! i miss him. sometimes, i really have the urge to just tell him that i miss him. but, i dun wanna make him hate me further. i sorta realised tt his attitude towards me sorta changed. i guess he really hates me now? i hate that feeling! i really do. no matter what i do, no matter how i tried, i can't seem to get him outta my head. it rained just now, when i was walking to the bus stop. i put on the school blazer. it was just like last time. our second last date. i walked frm serene's to that bus stop, wearing another jacket. he was there. waiting for me at the bus stop. we waited for a while before 174 came. then we stopped at bt timah market. just like that time, i sat, waited for a while then boarded 174, the exact same seat we sat, then stopped at bt timah market. walked through the path to bt timah plaza. i felt as though his hands were there, holding mine all the while. then it rained heavily. i was still sauntering. as the droplets of water dropped on my legs, the feeling of his hands being there suddenly disappeared. i noe, i may seem crazy to you guys. but, the feeling seemed to be still so new. as though it happened not long ago. eventhough its been exactly 2 mths since we broke. i dream of him pretty often. in each dream, we were still together, then something happened, and the feeling of his presence disappeared. all the happiness im experiencing now, is nothing compared to the pure joy and delightfulness of having him by my side. i was that happy then. its really hard to describe the happiness in words. but those times were really the best moments in my life. "if only today never comes", i always wondered. if only i was still stuck in the past. would i be happier? i noe nothing i do now would make a difference to the present. infact, there's nothing i could do then to reverse the situation. but there are little things i could have done in the past, which i regretted not doing. if only i wasn't so over-sensitive. if only i hadn't purposely looks for trouble. if only i was more forgiving. if only i had treated him better. would all these still happen? listened to a song, feels like home. there's this part, "i never thought i'd love anyone so much". it touches my heart deeply. perhaps im just blinded by love. but it seemed tht i didn't wanna get off this cobweb of love.

haii, okae back to walking to bt timah plaza. i didn't noe what i was doing there. i absolutely has nothing to do there. unknowingly, i walked thru the path that we took that day. the memories rushed back. i guess im making myself suffer by doing all these. but it sorta feels good, to have the memories accompanying me. it was as thought he's there all along. but he's not.

went to beautyworld after that. i heard thunder. i was drenched. but i didn't care. it was as though i was absorbed in another dimension or something. i walked on. he promised to walk in the rain with me!! eventhough he disliked rain. he did promise me. i remember clearly. he said he would. but he already broke that promise. cos i'll never get to see him again.

basically, he's no longer the lemuel i know. i've been saying tht he changed all the while. but i didn't realise till recently that he didn't change at that period of time. infact, i was the one who's changing. i guess i was trying to cover up the fact that i've changed by saying that he's changed. but now, i can feel it. a different lemuel than the one i knew. im sure of it now. that insensitive creature, wasn't the guy i knew. but, i still love him. no matter how much he's changed. the feeling's still there.
heartfully greeted gita on 9:37:00 PM